Disappointment is an interesting thing. This is a blog I wrote exactly 73 weeks ago and I feel that now is a better time than any to post it.
I was having a conversation with an elderly man and he said something I could strongly agree with.
“Disappointment is the one emotion you can’t hide”
In the past I’ve found myself in a little pool of anxiousness and exhaustion on many occasions and, like this man said, I wouldn’t be able to hide it and people would instantly question it. Starting this post I’m sure you thought I was going to mention something like being stood-up, or ordering at a restaurant and the final dish being far from expectations, but no; this is more about me disappointing others. I am extremely proud of who I am, what I am doing, and where I’ve came from, but since moving here, and a few months before, I have found myself trying to deal with anxiety in situations. When things become overwhelming, I do panic, but more so, I overthink situations to the point I create unrealistic opinions of others. When I say this, I mean I convince myself into thinking that people are displeased, or perceive me a certain way when they don’t.
Lately I’ve been trying to think about why this happens. We all must get this feeling, and surely there is a reason behind it. I am a happy person, I am surrounded by beautiful souls near and far, and I’m healthy; all of which make me a grateful human being. When I live in the present, I am happy – but I find myself looking forward, looking back, and these nauseating motions are the things that I can’t deal with. I have such high expectations of myself, I always have; I want to be successful at life.
I met up with a friend of mine. It was eye-opening. We talked about passions, life, stories we’d heard, family, friends, and future plans. We all grow up and go through phases of questioning our passions, finding ourselves in moments of worry, and manipulate disappointment to self-convince that our lives aren’t quite right.
I constantly say I am 19 years old, almost 20, and that “I can’t wait to be at an age when I’m not seen as a child”. But you know what? I’m 19 years young, I’m going through a hell of an adventure, and I will stress, cry, miss people, laugh, smile and dance. I love this adventure, and being sporadically anxious only makes me appreciate achievement that much more. I am so young, and I have so many years ahead of me for success. Right now I need to live, make mistakes, strive but always know that I shouldn’t worry what people think because this is me. I am going to do everything in my power to achieve my goals, because my heart is full of passion to be injected into the things I love. Family, friends, writing, adventure will always find a place in my life.
I am Paige Bolland, 19 years young, and if anything brings me down I’ll flick it out of my life like the crumbs I find on my desk after nights spent writing.
“She believed she could, so she did.”
After finding this blog in my dusty folder of drafts, I decided to post this even though it’s months old. Since the New Year I have been consciously aware of putting my thoughts in check and living in the moment. My 20th birthday is in 3 weeks, I’ll still be young, and I’ll still have the same passion to strive. As long as I’m not turning up late to a meeting with someone. As long as I’m doing my best, any vibes of disappointment I get from people are insignificant.