I often take walks late at night. Being alone allows me to consume myself in fresh air and mind. As I walk I see the exhalations of my breathe form gray clouds before me. These swirling notions are a visual representation of my approach to undesirable emotion; simply expelling it from my body, before I draw a new breathe. I very easily become immersed in negative thoughts. At the start of this year I told myself that I’d be an ambassador of positivity; that negativity would be simply wished away. Walking at night is my way of escaping anything that adds negativity to my life; it’s my time to be alone because there’s no other time in my life that I am so. I was out walking last night, and wasn’t as refreshed by the crisp winter air and lack of sound as usual. The recent concerns about future decision making didn’t simply go.
At what point should you give in to your anxieties? At what point do you have to just tell yourself that it’s time to confront what’s worrying you. Over-thinking into things is something I struggle with immensely. It’s been an ongoing issue that recently has made a bigger impact that initially anticipated.
As I’m sure you’re aware, I recently was in Rome. As much as it was a holiday, it was a chance for me to escape my life that is constantly revolving around others. It was a chance to make it about me again. Sounds selfish, or perhaps over exaggerated, but there is now so little in my life that is just mine. My living situation isn’t powered by my decisions, and I have jobs that require me to live on someone else’s schedule and will; leaving me with the excitement to go out and do things, but the fear of asking for any time off in fear of offending. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have time for myself, but in all reality once I look past the university study, and the time I spend enjoying the company of my friends, I barely get a second for myself and my own adventures. If I could decide how my life in London was, I would choose to go to a new country every month, I would buy my own groceries, I would spend my time off work seeing new things; I would not be afraid to ask for time off to make day trips.
It all comes back to my anxious mind. Yes, you’re right, I promote the idea of living for yourself, but right now the worry that protrudes my mind tells me that the opinions people have of me are more important than what I want. As a solution to where I’m at right now I’m going to try and take the advice of all the people that I’ve gone to – I’m gonna see if I can live my current worries out, get past the post-holiday blues and continue to remember that you can’t live unhappy – there is always an alternative.
This blog post isn’t like my usual words, I guess I usually try to be pro-life and promote this amazing new life in London, but these types of adventures will always have it’s challenges that will push you to the point of breaking. I don’t want people to think that I’ve handled this move to a ‘T’ – this blog is a document of my life afterall; I am purely being honest.
I’m going to attempt to start looking at moments like this as a chance to refresh my mind, a chance to archive the negativity, and start anew.
You cannot change what you refuse to confront.